Pages from my father’s diary written in a diary with each page perforated at the top, printed in 1936 by Messrs. The Anglo-French Drug Co., (Eastern) Ltd., P.O. Box 460, Bombay.
It begins at the end on 1st July 1988, just a couple of months before he passed away on 4th September 1988, with an entry on the page printed Tue. 15 Dec.
“1st July 1988 AD-64, Salt Lake City, Cal-64
Amu brought this Diary of mine—for period 1936-1/7/1940—the most agonizing/formative part of my life.
I read it today—can recollect most in ‘tranquility’.
We have a home at AD-64. We moved on 1.7.1976. Pradip was then IAS at Krishnagar as SDO (actually I was Additional District Magistrate, having been SDO 1973-74 in Chandernagore). Prodosh was to do Part 2 in BA (Hons). Prodosh has been at Oxford on a State Scholarshp for Advanced Studies in English. He got I, 1st in 1971 in MA and got a I next year with Gp A in MA. then he got a job as Lecturer through College Service commission. Also, a Part-time Calcutta University Lecturer.
He left for Oxford on Ashthami Day 2/X/1984. I saw him off along with Pradip and Prodosh’s friend, Champak Bhattacharya. He went in British Airways.
We anxiously awaited his first letter.
He has done M.Phil and now is doing his final thesis for M. Litt. We expect him back by end 1988.
I got heart problem, breathlessness since Jan 1988. Dr. A. Maity through Nandita, has been treating me.
We two are here—Suprobhat and I
For Prodosh’s return, Suprobhat has worked very hard. we have got his room done in Plastic ‘Moonlight’. The other room on 1st floor, where Pradip and his family had stayed, is bluish. The ground floor has been all lime-washed. Earlier, the outside had been done with Robbiachem. J & N’s men have done it. Very helpful. It has cost about Rs. 14000/- I had over Rs.13000/- from arrears of Pension and restoration of Commutation since 1/1/86.
God has been very kind. We have Julie (Deepanjali) a grand daughter now about 15 (25/X/1973) and Aurpon, our grandson. Pradip is a Joint Secretary. He is very good. Has done Asst. Magistrate Malds during Probatoin, SDO Chandernagore, ADM (LR) Krishnagar, DM Berhampore, Registrar Cooperatives, JS Finance and now JS Health.
Very fast reader and a good writers. Published 8 books!
I passed 70 on 20/2/1988. Probha will be so on 22/11/1988. we shall celebrate that. Dinku will be back.
Here then are the last days of my life. This house we built from 1972. I had commuted 50% of my Pension for Rs. 56000/- or so. Army FF was Rs. 24000/- or so. Voltas (I joined on 29/3/1965) Provident Fund (my own share) I got Rs. 25000/-. LIC Annuity (VL superannuation) I got about Rs. 10,000/- Then CDS in 1978, I had 13,600/-. It cost Rs. 1,20,000/- plus 16000/- for the 2nd room on the 1st floor. the ITO had verified it in his Assessment Order.
I still have the car WBG 2559 that Prodosh did not let me sell in 1977! He can have it. But I can’t afford the petrol @ Rs.8/- or so, nor do I have the strength.
Pardu-di is unwell I gather
Nilima-di and Sailen are aging and not too well.
I enjoy reading, eating and being lazy. I am most fortunate in Suprobhat. She takes such care of me, and works so hard.
Pradip gave me a TV 2 years ago for sports (Mexico Olympics). Eyesight is not too good.
Mahinder Singh, Ayodhya, Shanti still write to me. So does Jim Lovejoy and Mrs. Loukes. Mary, her daughter, came here. Harold has died. So CB and his wife Dr. Young. So Dr. Spear.
I did legal practice since 1978 in Bankshall/Special Court/Alipore/High Court, Estate Duty. Gave up since 1984.
Pension OK with VL interest on PF gifted to wife.
Mother 85 at Durgapur.
Sachi died. Robi died. Rani died 12/6/88. Earlier Durga had died.
Somu will retire in Oct.
Everyone (brothers/sisters) made own flat/house.
Mother got Pension. So does Bowdi.
Better stop. Bath.
Guni, 1/7/88
Tue. 19 May (1936?)
It is long time since I wrote last. I went to Ajmer on the 9th evening with Robi, Brojen and Sachin. We attended Profulla kaka’s marriage. Next we went to Nathdwara. Mother and all O.K. They are spending their time very well indeed. G.L.B.
Wed. 20 May
We have drawn up a plan for our Social Service League work. Had interesting class on Interference of Light. Bought Govt. of India publication worth -/12/- and a guide to P.S. Commission exams for -/8/-. Cinema “Dena Paona” in Hindi -/4/- Did not go to New Delhi. Should have written to Nathdwara. GLB
Fri. 22 May
Attended classes. Lent -/8/- to A.K. Dasgupta. Wrote letters to Nakaka and Didi. No other important news. Night school reopened. G.L.B.
Sat. 23 May
2 coats -/1/6
2 shorts -1/6
1 pyjama -/-/9
I Panjabi -/-/9
1 bedsheet -/-/9
Handkerchief
Stocking
/6/9
Went to Court to obtain the Succession Certificate. But the time was jolly late. Hence got from Mr. Bose at his house. The certificate is granted over a govt. paper of 460/- Cut Chemistry class. G
Sun. 24 May
Went to New Delhi to give the Certificate to Nanida. Left it with servant as desired by him. My expenses:-
Public service papers—1/4/-
Bus –/5/-
Not working at all. Disgraceful. This is my defect. G.
Mon. 25 May
Send a telegram to Nakaka to send Nepu immediately. Received reply that he will be coming on Wednesday morning. I have reorganized the Night School. But not many students! the children of our College servants form the overwhelming majority. Attended Physics class & did a bit practical. Result bad. G.
Tue. 26 May
Went to New Delhi to see Nanida from University. I was told he was going to office from yesterday. May God give him a prosperous and successful life! In the afternoon I have fever. Seems Malaria. Nausea and headache. Whole body paining for the 3 boxing bouts I had last evening. g.
Wed. 27 May
Nepu arrived this morning with Upu. He has been provisionally admitted by Mr. Sarkar, i.e. if he gets a 1st or a good 2nd. I hope he gets one, 2nd, at least! Very shy and simply out-of-date boy. I very much hope he will change in St. Stephen’s. Nakaka wants him to be under chotokaka’s guardianship. We went to New Delhi. Met Nanida. Upu staying there alone. I wonder at his will. G.
Thu. 28 May
I spend my day in a reckless manner. Turned out from practical for not bringing practical note book. But I follow the experiment. Nepu wants to go back to Udaipur. He is homesick. Poor chap!!
Wed. 3 June
Today the Muslims celebrate the birthday and the death of the Prophet. Nice day, calm, cool and cloudy. Had a fine afternoon at Anand’s. Went to Wazirabad evening. T.B. case rather serious. Spitting blood. General health better. Mess dinner. One can’t eat much in formal dinner though! G.
25/7/36
I have not written anything for a pretty long time. All these days of June with their various interests have glided into the past. when I look back I do not find any eventful day in my hostel life excepting a few days of restlessness. But I have come to love freedom and for its sake some time or other I will have to face serious differences of opinions between me and others. My elder brother’s behavior towards me and my younger brothers has been abominable. I apologized to him and wept only to keep a joint family. But God only knows that this will not be possible in future.
I have not heard from Uncle Nandalal for a long time. I do not know his reasons, but indeed this long silence seems disgusting. I, however, have no right to accuse him of this silence. I myself cannot claim any regular correspondence.
The world seems to be divided and cruel. Can’t it be made a better one? I want to lead a life which my family circumstances would not allow me. I have (been) attending chapels quite frequently and there is every likelihood of my being converted to Christianity. I have had discussions with other students, my friends. They seem to be awfully upset over it. But really I do not understand! Why should my conversion bring forward a great change in my social position. I wonder what the Baidik Mahasabha would think of it!
My conversion depends largely on any future greater revelation of Christ. I feel it must come or instead something must happen which will drive off my Christian faith.
I do not claim myself to be a great religious person. But I believe that everyone of us can be a bit more religious and make the world happier and habitable.
I submit my life to God. Let Him direct me!
25/7/36 G.L. Bhattacharya
27/7/36
We had our College Dinner this evening I had to be a server. This is the first time I served. I had a long talk with Mr. Anand about the college especially about Mrs. Sarkar & Bose. I informed him about the feeling against Mr. Sarkar in the senior students. He showed me the hollowness of any such feeling. I am really grateful to him. After this we played football for about 2 hours before the College House. The lawn was absolutely flooded by the rain and it was a great fun to pull Balbir, Shri Chand and others from their rooms.
Anand Mukarji is asking me to stay with them for 3 months. I should like to do that very much. But what about brothers, mother and sisters. From a letter received from durga, I find all of Nakaka, Kaki etc. have gone to Udaipur without taking a single of my brother or sisters with them. I do not know the reason. I hope there is some satisfactory explanation to all this. If it is all Nakaka’s dislike I shall have to bring along the family here. But there is the Nanida question and probably I shall have to stay at home. a clash will come and it must be met.
I offer my troubles and worries to Jesus Christ. Let Him settle them as He would.
G.L. Bhattacharya. 27/7/36.
Awful rain
The 5th July 1936. Ajmer
My college closed day before for the long vac. Went home. Withdrew 150/- and sent 90/- to Nanida, insured.-/3/3- Left for Ajmer that night. Tonga strike, hence had to do shopping in rain on foot. Balbir saw me off. Nice chap. I arrived here yesterday morning and with any luck am starting for Nathdwara tonight. Tried my best to persuade Grand Uncle to go with me for a holiday. He has too many reasons! Poor chap.
Nakaka wrote to me day before saying mother would like to come and stay in Delhi. Rather unlike by me. I dare say the behaviour of aunt has not been very generous. Still I owe them a great deal for keeping mother so long with them. I propose to bring back my mother and try to remain together with elder brother and bowdi. May God grant us a peaceful home. Guni. 5/7/36.
Nathdwara 11/7/36
Tonight is our last night at Nathdwara as we will be leaving for Delhi tomorrow night. Debuda’s wife going with us and I shall be escorting her to Calcutta
They had been having a marvellous time here. A very cheerful home indeed. Bowdi is wonderfully cheerful and jolly. She is greatly different from what one would expect to find in her.
Nakaka’s health is not very good. He is having a rather disturbed time and he might be transferred to Udaipur. In that case his salary will be reduced considerably as the exchange value of Udaipur currency is about Rs. 46 for 100/- Udaipur currency. He is not very upset though and I attribute this great strength of mind to his faith. The reasons for his possible transfer is that he is not a Vaisnav and is a non-vegetarian. He, however, never took any meat or fish in this place. It will be rather bad if he is transferred from here. May God grant him peace of mind and may He allow him to stay here as he is at present. Guni. 11th July 1936.
The 29th July 1936 Wednesday
I spend my days in a hilarious way. Khuku has no class and we stop Dhabu when she come home during interval. We go to Metro for the matinee show. Moonlight Murder. 1/2 seats for -/12/- cash. Next we go to Parafare. Next we go to Paradise for ice-cream. Rather a nice time we had.
Heaven knows whether we meet or not. At least I am rather disappointed with my relatives. Isn’t it a tragedy that as we grow old we come to witness in our best friends and relatives something which is not attractive? I am sorry to note this.
I have been to Baripada. Kumi is not very well. She is very thin. Her son is not very healthy either. Charu is OK, so is her husband and daughter. I ate a lot last night in Mejdada’s place. Rather nice mutton and pulao.
Tonight is my last night in Calcuta and I mean to talk it over. May God bless our family.
G.L. Bhattacharya. 29.7.36
Benaras The 11th August 1936
We reached here in the morning having left Calcutta last night by 9 Up Dehar Dun Express. Accompanied by my four cousin sisters, Khuku, Dhabu, Shova and Nila. I went to a whole night performance at Rupabani on Sunday night. We were shown five pictures: Manmoyee Girls’ School, Abaseshey, Chandidas, Excuse Me Sir and Devdas. The shows ended at 530 AM Monday morning. We reach Goabagan and off to sleep. I get up at 10 AM. Khuku at 1230 PM. Dhabu and Shova not much sleep, poor girls, they have their classes. Khuku cuts her Anatomy class (3 to 4) for my departure.
I book 4 of our trunks to Delhi paying 10/3/- and another 10/3- for extra luggage, excluding two heavy beddings for which I very much hope they won’t charge me. We leave Goabagan at 9.15. I bid good-bye to my cousin sisters. I feel said and I am sure they feel it too.
I am not going to conceal that I went on very well with them during the 3 weeks I stayed in Calcutta. At time I was rather annoyed with Khuku and sorry at her attitude towards me. But I know I have my defects and recognising her frankness I should not be too sorry. A man, however, expects sympathetic replies and not point blank attacks from a woman he likes. However, I know she is fond of me although this belief is considerably weakened.
Dhabu has presented me a ring, costing her about 20/-. The money is her scholarship money. I thanked her and I seemed to like her more than I did before. This, however, is not for the presentation of a ring. She is a decent girl, with womanly qualities, rather shy. She ought to prove a better wife and housekeeper than Khuku for her sympathetic attitude. But I do not know how Khuku would behave when she is married. she has that angry attitude that is typical to our male family members.
Shova is a decent girl. She works hard and will be rewarded for it if she does not overwork herself. Nila is working hard too. Jitu is working hard and should do very well in ISc final.
It is with a sad heart that I leave my cousin sisters and I realise how much I like them when I gradually move away towards Delhi. It is with a vacant mind that I leave them, a sad heart. I promise however that when I go to them next I become an earning member of the family.
May God bless them and make them happy. A prayer too for my poor mother and my brothers and sisters. May God grant them a peace of mind and may give Nanida a more sympathetic and considerate heart. G.L. Bhattacharya
16/10/36
It is a long time I wrote last. I went to Dalhousie. I have bought a gramophone. Didi came with Barda. they went day before.
I feel not at all cheerful. It seems I am going away from God. I cannot find place to think of Him. I must go out on Sunday morning. Probably what I need is some words of sympathy from someone. Life seems frightfully dry. G.L.B. 16/10/36
8th November 1936
It seems ages since I wrote last. I have been up to Dalhousie for about a month and I am now staying here at home and not in hostel. Indeed, now I feel how tremendously selfish have I been last term when I stayed away from my younger brothers and my mother was at Nathdwara. Anyway, I propose to continue cycling 14 miles a day!
Another major incident which is going to effect our family lives and relatives tremendously is the fact that uncle Nandalal wanted from us about Rs. 14,000/- for bidding in a certain action where we had already invested Rs. 2000/- of grandfather’s money. Mother and I were perfectly willing Nanida not. We have decided not to pay much to my disapproval. But is it not funny that no one can pay the money excepting us! Krishalal unable, no one able! and yet they are able! I wonder why should we pay?
We are giving a power of attorney to our uncle for our interests at Harinavi.
I just like to review my college career:-
1st year—nothing
2nd year—(i) arranged maths tutorial
(ii) Member Science club
(iii) Rovers Scouts. Simla Hills 70 miles on foot
(iv) U.T.C.
3rd year – (i) Social Service League representative
(ii) Secretary, S.S.L.
(iii) Member, Principal’s Committee to reorganize Criterion
(iv) Secretary, Independent Party to revitalize Criterion.
IV year—1. Member S. Club Committee, College
2. Speaker—Chamber of Criterion
3. Acting Secretary, University Science Seminar
4. Rovermate—College Patrol
V year—1. Member S.S.L. Managing Committee
2. Suggested and organised collections for S.S.L. fund for Chinese students distress fund Rs. 357/12/- (students Rs. 297/-)
3. Organised with Ayodhia the Nationalist Party in the Criterion Club.
4. Went to S.C.M. Jubilee Conference at Rangoon. Thence Myngian, Pegu, Pynmana.
5. Founded with Nirmal, “The Freethinkers”
6. Secretary 13 Club
7. Senior Rover Mate, College Rovers
8. Vice-President, Criterion Club, April-> Oct 1938
9. Vice-President, English Literature Society
10. Editor, Bengali Section of College Magazine
11. Represented College in All-India debate at Aligarh.
7th December 1936. 6 AM
Today is the Founder’s day of my college, the institution which I love so dearly. This may be the last Founders day I shall be attending in college—the 4th one.
Mr and Mrs Mukarji are still in England. Our exam is from the 12th instant. I am not fully prepared and the fault is mine. I have to put up much more work otherwise there is little chance of my getting a first class.
I am becoming weak in mind! Evil thought I cannot strongly resist. I have to and I will with Christ by my side. G.L. Bhattacharya 7/12/36
11th Dec 1936
Tomorrow is my exam. I am not very well prepared but I hope to do well in tomorrow’s paper—Physics ‘A’. I do not know what to write.
Oh yes! The King (Edward VIII) has abdicated (last night). He wants to marry Mrs. Simpson. A glorious sacrifice that makes him still greater. Duke of York succeeds to the throne. I am sorry. G.L. Bhattacharya.
19th December 1936
I am becoming more and more sinful day by day. Evil thoughts I find difficult to resist. and these will possibly lead to immoral actions. I am supposed to be a man of very sound character and of highest principles in every respect; but they do not know how evil I am in my heart.
I pray to God and Christ to help me. Let me today declare an open war against my evil thoughts and bad desires.
Wash me with a hyssop and I shall be clean.
I want to record here and in definite terms that I must become a Christian. The path is difficult but God will help me. I have Christ by my side.
Give me strength O Lord so that I may defeat temptation. G.L.B.
26th December 1936
Yesterday was Christmas day. I got up and after attending calls of nature I went out with three books:-
- Books of Prayer
- Byways of blessedness
- The New Testament
I read the (ii)nd book in front of the Great Place—my old place for Prayers. I read the chapter on Hidden Sacrifices. I tried to apply the principles laid down in that chapter to my life. I discover that I must
- Leave the regular evening walks with Sachin and Satu
- Leave self-assertion which probably is my great defeat
- Sacrifice Self Interest
- Never pay back, abuse or dislike in the same coin. Remember, “FATHER FORGIVE THEM”.
I walk along towards the War Memorial Arch; I do not stop here and I continue going towards Okhla on foot. Near Nizamuddin I find a cemetery uncared for. Here I find the grave of S. Baddly died 14.6.28 aged 50 years. There are some others, two—unnamed.
“Beneath these rugged elms, that yew-tree’s shade
Where heaves the turf in many a mouldering heap,
Each in his narrow cell for ever laid,
the rude Forefathers of the hamlet sleep.”
I read a prayer about the blessed dead. There is a buffalo grazingby the grave of Baddly. God bless his soul.
I move along. I reach Okhla. I sit on a bench near the end of the “falls”. A very pleasant cold wind welcomes me, plays with my hair and with my thoughts.
I read the chapter on Hidden Sacrifices again. I like it more.
I leave the place and reach near Nizamuddin Station by a cross-country path. There are three villages on the way.
I come home at about five. I had only a cup of tea in morning and nothing since then. I eat and drink—I like the water. It is so refreshing!
I have walked about 13 miles and I feel tired. Will God help me to keep up my resolutions?
Satu comes along just as I have taken some refreshments. I go out with him to Sachin’s place. From there we walk to Connaught Place. We visit Verma Art Gallery. Here we meet Sachin’s “didi” and her husband. We walk back together.
Ranu, Sachin’s sister, gives us some biscuits. They are nice to taste.
So ends my Christmas day!
Last year this evening we are probably playing at cards with Asimadi. Mejda is present and father has done the shopping.
May Jesus guide me and the world. –G.L. Bhattacharya
The 3rd January 1937. 8.40 P.M.
I sit to write with mixed feelings in my heart; for this time last year my father lies unconscious at his bed. He died 4th Jan 1936 at 6.40 A.M. (Delhi Time) i.e. 6.10 Indian Standard Time.
I feel sorry for his death. It was untimely and he wanted to live. Also his death has placed the family in some difficulty. We have lost our guardian, our adviser, one to whom our welfare was a vital thing.
I feel glad because by his death he escaped the terrible misery that a man with high blood pressure has to undergo. He was a man who wanted a lively house. The disease was absolutely against any such enjoyment.
I know nothing for sure about the next world. I do not know where he is now and how he is. Whether his soul has found peace in Eternity or whether his life was another whim of God I cannot tell. But I know how much he loved us and how greatly he was concerned for our welfare. I also know how much I loved him.
He is gone! Where and where to I know not. But our relationship, our sense of love I shall always cherish and his memory will ever remain a source of strength and pleasure for me.
I cannot offer him any homage for I know not where he is and if he is even having a separate existence. I however offer my prayers to the great memory of his life that I possess. He was a “Jolly good fellow”.
I had been out with Mr. aannand, Mr. Adams, Mr. Sarkar, Mr. Bose and Satish and 28 Intermediate students. We have been to Agra, Secendra, Dayalbagh, Inamut-ut-Dowlah, Fatehpur Sikri, Bayena, Bharatpur, Deeg (Suraj Mal Palace) and Muttra. The tour has cost Rs. 9/- per head.
We had a very good time.
The College opens tomorrow. This may be my last term in St. Stephen’s College. I have to work hard andI must get a First Class. May God make me do my duty! G.L. Bhattacharya 3/1/37.
17th January 1937
I have become a pessimist. I do not find the usefulness of prayers. I have begun considering this life a huge joke.
The underlying reason of this is my failure. I have got 3/50 in Chemistry Practical. I got 90/150 in English, 34/50 in Physics ‘B’, 9/16 in Inorganic Chemistry. Others not yet out. If I do this sort of thing in Exam, I fail.
I do not see any hope. Everything is so clumsy and disgraceful and insincere. I have started contemplating suicide which I hated before.
Yet I feel I have had divine help. In the Physics Practical Exam I almost failed. But I worked and prayed patiently till in the end I got my result all right. I could not get the image of a slit’s image formed in a telescope.
Yet I feel and try to glorify myself. I think I shall certainly get a I class and stand 1st in the University. I never thought like this in my Intermediate. I wanted what I deserved. Now I seem to want favour and luck.
Can I once and for all explode this and cry out let me have what I deserve? But then again I want God to make me deserve to stand 1st. My whole future life depends upon it. Is it so serious? Why should it really be unless life is all farce and there is no value of any other quality of life. If there is, is there any reward and again I can’t get rid of the idea of getting reward!
If there is any God will He come and give me any indication of his existence? Will he show me that sincerity, honesty etc. have their values and these are the things that really count?
G.L. Bhattacharya 17/1/37. 9.40 A.M.
Copied from Original [the hand seems to be that of my father’s 4th youngest brother Amarendra Lal]
5/7 P.M. 17/1/37 Sunday
Fatehpur Sikri Rly Station 31st Dec 1936, 11.50 P.M.
Ten minutes more to go and 1936 is over. I vividly recollect this time last year, I writing under a razai in 14 Queen Mary’s Avenue, New Delhi, about my hopes and wishes. Did then I even dream that this time next year I would be standing by a stool in the Rly Station at Sikri and write these notes! It is amazing and interesting to think how times change. I wonder what I shall be doing this time next year!!
It is four minutes to 12. We are sleeping in the station. Mr. Adams and I are sleeping in one long bench. I hope we have a good sleep.
I hope for many things this time last year and I prayed for certain things. I am not going to do anything that sort this time. I only ask God to give me what I deserve and to make me love work. May I hate real idleness and get rid of self-assertion, anger and unfriendliness. May I do my duty with God by my side. G.L. Bhattacharya. New Year. 0-0 hour.
Copy 17/1/36. 5/20 P.M. Taj Mahal 30/XII/36
সামনে আমাদের তাজমহ্ল। প্রশানত, ধীর, স্তব্ধ,মুক। জলে ওর ছায়া। মাথার উপরে চাঁদ। চার ধারের মিনারেটগুলি যেন সবই সামনে। এখানে বসে উপলব্ধি করা যায় তাজমহলের শান্ত, ধীর স্তব্ধতা। চাঁদ উপরে বলে সামনে এক্টু অন্ধকার।চাঁদমহল তার দুঃখের স্ম্রিতির অর্ঘ্য নিয়ে দাডিয়ে আছে। সব নিস্তব্ধ; এখানেই প্রথমে এই প্রাসাদের প্রতি সহানুভুতি জাগিয়ে তোলে।
And this is the time when for once Taj tests you. If your feelings respond to its mute offering, if your heart is in tune with the beauty Taj has to uncover to you, you will like the Taj; if you do not, you better go back for this night, because if you will see Taj that night you will only be disappointed. I was eager to receive what Taj had to offer me. I liked it mild, peaceful, mute appeal. I advanced towards Taj.
As I came more and more forward towards it, Taj for some time seemed to grow mysterious. But the moon was going up and up the sky and soon the darkness in front was giving way to light. It seemed as if Taj was explaining its mysteries slowly, opening out its secrets one after another. As I came forward Taj appeared like a dreamland and this dreamland began to get bigger in size nearer I came to it.
By now 1/4th of its front was shining and it appeared as I went on that Taj was wanting to:-
“To get rid of what it knows
Its bosom does so heave.”
It is a thing one must feel, not see.
Now I am sitting near the bank of Jumna. The moon shines on Taj with all its glory. Taj seems to have poured out all its secrets. The old mysteries have disappeared. But in their stead now I find a new mysterious, the glorious, beautiful indescribable Taj, the serene, the eternal monument!!
I now have a look at Jumna. It is flowing on and on for hundreds of years. It washes the base of the Taj and it seems to carry the great story of the wonderful love to places far and far away.
The whole scene is so mysterious, calm, serene and glorious. You must feel Taj and use eyes for (feeling) that purpose. If you use them for seeing you will be disappointed. G.L.Bhattacharya. Taj 10/55 P.M. 30/12/36.
Copied from the Original 30/1/37, 8.45 A.M.
31st Dec 1936, Fatehpur Sikri, above Buland Durwaza
I see the sunset. 1936 ends. The sun of tomorrow will never see it. A beautiful sunset. I am alone. I try to remember the Lord’s Prayer as the sun sets. I can’t remember it. “Oh god! Why hast thou forsaken me!” But just as the sun sets I vividly remember the Lord’s Prayer. I say it. The sunset ends my chapter of life in 1936.
1936 has been awful for me in some ways. Father died 4th January 1936. I have seen the world in many different ways. I have had many experiences. Unlike 1935 this year has not however been a year of uncertainty. We knew what we were up against.
I have had other experiences too. This is more or less enthusiastic but constant Christian devotion and faith on my part. My results have been satisfactory, although my work has been unsatisfactory.
So Goodbye 1936! You will not come back in any man’s life. You have given us our opportunities. It was we who took them or refused them. You now merge into eternity.
May God guide me in future!
G.L. Bhattacharya, IV yr B.Sc. St. Stephen’s College, Delhi. 5.50 P.M. 31st Dec. 1936.
30th Jan 1937
Is there any hope in life? Is it chance or is there anything worthwhile and good and noble? does goodness succeed to win bread? Or are we to be clever and opportunists? should we place love, unselfishness, spirit of service before us or continue to try to go up and up getting rid of others? Can you tell me? GLB
Dated the 13th Feb. 1937
I do not know what I am feeling just now: happy or sad.
Yesterday Dr. Laroia told me that I was short by 14 lectures and there was no chance of my making them up. In other words, if Dr. Laroia wishes I may be detained. I tried to induce him to be more kind and not so harsh on me and S.K. Bose. Really how selfish I am! I never thought of S.K. Bose’s possibility of detention uptil now. Yes! These are the facts. S.K. Bose and I are likely to be detained if Dr Laroia so pleases. He has us completely in his hands.
But this does not pain me as much as his other remarks. He tells me that he has been hopelessly disappointed in me and if Mr. Mukarji asks his opinion about me he would say that I happen to be his worst student. Lecturers did hold a quite satisfactory opinion of me. Now when I have only a month left to end my college career I hear that what I have done in college has been all worthless, futile and wrong. At that time I felt that the platform on which I stood shook: all my principles, all my work, my religious views, had been utterly valueless.
I come to college and tell Mr. Annand; he is sympathetic and enquires of what these things might lead to make me weep. I cannot control it; it is such a contrast! Mr. Annand and Dr. Laroia.
He helps us to arrange for the Rudra Dinner for servants. This is held annually on 12th February which is Mr. Rudra’s birthday. We have 72 servants in all; 38 Hindus, 18 sweepers, 17 Mohamedans, 5 Christians. This year we did not ask the Maitland House servants as after all they are private servants paid by lecturers.
After the dinner I ask him whether I am worse than I was in Intermediate. He ridicules the idea. He discusses the future prospects and I hear from him that my brain is worth much more than Rs. 200 P.M to the country. I confess that I am glad to hear it and this is not because I want and like to be flattered. But I want to know that after all I am not worthless and I have not lost the right path in life. I tell him bitterly what I think about Dr. Laroia. In the night I come back on cycle and read a few chapters from the Revelation. I like them I cannot read Physics.
This morning I go out with my New Testament and Byways of Blessedness. I discover I have been wrong with Dr. Laroia. I have tried to ignore him and although on occasions I tried to love him and like him, they were not enough.
I pray to God to give me a heart to love him. After all he is a man, he has his children, his wife and his relations, and these depend upon him and love him. If he suffers, they will suffer too.
In Byways of Blessedness I find a decent verse:-
“If men only understood
All the emptiness and aching
Of the sleeping and waking
Of the souls they judge so blindly,
Of the hearts they pierce unkindly,
They, with gentler words and feeling,
Would apply the balm of healing—
If only they understood.”
“The remembering of injuries in spiritual darkness; the fostering of resentment is suicide.”
Then I turn to St. Matthew and there I find the words:-
“Take no heed as to what thou shalt eat or drink or what thou shalt put on. For your heavenly father knoweth that ye have need of these things.”
“Take no heed of the morrow, for the morrow shall take care of itself.”
I leave the whole thing to God. I pray to Jesus to lead me on.
I pray to God to give Dr. Laroia a better spirit, make him happy and good.
May God guide me and the world! G.L. Bhattacharya 13/2/37. 9-15 A.M.
20th February 1937. 11 P.M.
It is my birthday today. Anand Mukarji presents me a book, “Guide to Politics”. God bless him!
I am 20 now, born in 1918.
God bless me and my work! GLB
1st March 1937
Today is my exam for the Indian State Railways Exam. I have not worked for this exam sufficiently and if hard work is essential for getting through this exam, I certainly do not deserve to get through and be interviewed. S.N. Roy is also appearing, but he feels he has no chance. Poor chap!
My B.Sc. final comes off on 12th next month. Just six months more. I do not know what have I been doing all this time! I feel I am very badly prepared. If I do not get a 1st class it will be a dashed tragedy. I pray to God in Christ’s name to use me and to make me work in such a way henceforth so that I deserve to get a first class. Will he hear me?
As to this today’s exam I leave it to the hands of God. I did some work yesterday morning. I wonder if they are sufficient1! I pray so that I may work very hard from tonight. G.L.Bhattacharya.
The 9th March 1937
I have just gone through my Diary of 1935 and 1936à37 (this one). By a curious coincidence I find that on 8th March year before last we had our farewell tea and I have recorded just what I want to record here. That is I am not well prepared for the final exam.
This evening I had arranged a farewell -/2/- cold drink party to Mr. Annand. 47 were present in all. It was a grand success. This is the first function of this kind that I have been the organiser.
In the evening we have our farewell dinner. This may be my last college dinner. I have attended I think eleven out of 12 dinners we have had in college. I cannot imagine that I am going off from this college. I got a seat in the Main Table—only 4th year student. Monsukhani and Satish Chandra of VI year were the two other people in this table. a honoured seat by Mr Loukes’ side!
Mr. Loukes is going off tomorrow evening. He thinks I ought to come back to college for M.A. and do some work. I wonder what will happen.
I am to be interviewed on the 16th March by the P.S. Commission. B.B. Banerji is also getting interviewed. Sachin has not qualified.
Here I want to mention that the reason why I qualified for the interview I feel has been mostly god’s help. I did the paper in 45 minutes, 15 minutes before time. I felt as everything came right, that a hand was guiding me—I took the factories exam but could not qualify. I was entirely unprepared for it. Probably God does not want to see me in defence services. Does He want to see me in Indian State Railways? I wonder!
There is another incident which strikes out as a great love of God for me. Last year I had taken a wtbox (?) returned it but did not take the chit back from the Lab. This was missing and I was to have paid fully for it—about Rs. 25/- Dr Laroia told me to buy one and only day before I was inform that the wtbox has been in the Lab all along! Is it a mere accident? If so why did it no happen before?
About my exam: I am bad in practicals and I must improve them. My theory papers are not very bad I suppose. People expect me to get a 1st. I pray to god to give what I deserve.
Another point. Nanida has informed us that he would not be paying Rs.30/- p.m. any more to the family.—G.L. Bhattacharya 9/3/37
10th March 1937
Mr. Loukes took our last English class. We realised as the bell rung that we were no longer to be together in one class. Thus time has passed on; we were mixed together from various parts of India and now after 4 years it has left us again separated.
But have we gained? I think I have and hence this life does not seem to be unreal. For although we may be separated may be for life, we have gained certain things which have eternal values.
Mr. Loukes has left Delhi this evening to fetch “Mrs. Loukes” from England. I saw him in the morning and bid him good-bye. He wish me good-luck and hoped to see me back in college. I was feeling very sad and had to come out to control myself. May God bless him and make his married life a very happy one!
In the evening at 4 P.M. we had the Criterion Photo. I was given a seat by Mrs. Mukarji for being the Speaker of the Chamber of the Criterion.
I have to work hard for this month. May God give me the strength to work.
–G.L. Bhattacharya 10/3/37.
24/3/37
We had the Dismissal Service on the 16th. It was our last roll call in IV year (Oh no!! there was no roll call for us).
Mr Annand left on the 12th. I went to see him off at the station. He wished me good luck. He was I think the most energetic member of the staff, a fine man who has left “as many enemies as friends in this College,” to use his own worlds.
I have been working not unsatisfactorily. About 8 hours a day. I hope to be fairly prepared for the exam on the 12th April 1937
My English
- I have done English Poems by “Gibbs”.
- Ideals and Realities
- Return of the Native
Remaining: Macbeth, Dolls House, Lady with the Lamp and 3 chapters of the Common Weal.
Physics
- Fairly prepared for Sound etc. Must do more thoroughly.
Chemistry
Fairly prepared in Physical and Inorganic. Organic remains.
May God guide me1 I have heard from Mr. Lovejoy, a very good letter. May God bless his work and may Christ inspire him and be with him always.
A great news! I have made friends with Dr. Laroia on 18th evening after our last Chemistry lecture. G.L. Bhattacharya
5th April 1937
I went to see picture this evening. Satu took me along. It was “Camillee” with Greta Garbo, Robert Taylor and Lionel Barrymore I am not sorry to have seen this film. Greta Garbo was wonderful.
My exam starts on the 12th. I ask myself whether I am well prepared. I want to get a 1st class and all the people feel sure that I shall get one. I however am not so sure. I feel afraid that I may even fail. In what? Practicals—NO! I do not know.
I have not been selected in the Indian State Railways. This may show how really unworthy I am. It may also mean that God does not want me to get that job. I did not deserve it.
Do I deserve a 1st class. I confess I do not know. It is other people who ought to judge. I leave the whole matter to God. He granted me the 1st place in I.Sc. although I am sure I was not the best student. He gave it because He knew what I shall have to face in the future. He will do what is best for me.
I have worked fairly satisfactorily. I might have or should have worked more. But frankly I feel I have lost all my interests in studies. I do no longer love my subjects. Hence again,do I deserve a 1st class?
Before I end up I have one prayer. I had asked for a 1st Class in the name of Jesus Christ. I shall probably do it again. The prayer that I have in mind is this: may god give me the strength to face with a cheerful smile the consequences that will follow my result.
I have heard from Mr. Winsor. He has been ill. Mr Mukarji has told me that he will be delighted to have my brothers in college.
The picture I saw this evening I shall probably never forget. The love acted was wonderfully spiritual. May God bless Greta Garbo. G.L. Bhattacharya
Dated 9th April 1937
I got my roll number from college this morning. It is 404. We (Satu and I) went to Timarpur and saw Sachin. We three came back in the evening. Sachin has come to stay here in New Delhi.
I meet Dr. Laroia on the way. I tell him that I have got my subjects well prepared. He asks me about my Inorganic Chemistry preparation. I tell him what I have done. He wants me to come to see him sometime in connection with Inorganic Chemistry.
I come back home at about 8.30 P.M. This is the result of not having any guardian above me. I have wasted practically the whole day. I take a bath in the evening. It is quite refreshing.
I shall work again from tomorrow
My God! Will you stay with me always? G.L. Bhattacharya
Sunday, 11th April 1937 9.50 P.M.
Tomorrow is my 1st paper in English. This is my B.Sc. examination. I am fairly prepared in English— I sometimes feel that I am not well prepared at all. The position is thus; I ought to do well in English. What I need is clear thinking and a cool head tomorrow morning. I hope I shall be able to have them.
I have not worked throughout the day and I am not going to touch and English text book tonight. I hope “reason” and “common sense” would not fail me tomorrow and I shall have God by my side.
I hope to do well. The rest rests in the hands of God. A lot will depend on how I answer my English paper and a lot will depend as to how I fare in this Exam.
There is nothing very much that I want from God—[don’t I?]. I faced my Intermediate Exam with love at my heart. I shall try to face this examination in the same spirit.
May God guide me and be with me tonight, tomorrow and always. G.L. Bhattacharya
Dated 19th April
It is just over a week that I wrote last. On the 12th I heard that Mr. Winsor passed away on the 28th March 1937. I could not believe Anand when he told this to me. Only recently 3rd april I had heard from him, probably his last letter to India…May God keep his soul in peace.
My English Papers have been well answered. I should get a I class in English. The 1st Paper was rather lengthy and I could not answer very satisfactorily. I have of course attempted all the questions. The 2nd Paper, I think I have done well, although I did not have time to have a thorough revision.
I have been going out with Sachin and Satu fairly regularly. I realise how much harm they have caused me. Not because they are bad: they are not. But they are thoroughly unsuited for my company. We do not have any intellectual discussion. We talk rot and discuss things and girls. Is it not absolutely ridiculous? I have asked Satu on many occasions to come along War Memorial Arch site. He would not as he said those sites were “too lonely” and he would like to “see men”.
I have striven, may be feebly, to avoid them on occasions. I think I have failed in my attempts. I sometimes wish I were in hostel. That would at least have solved this problem and may be that I might have been better prepared for my exams. Anyway,it is not too late and I will try to avoid their company. For the sake of my loyalty to my duty and “Call” I must sacrifice their company and their friendship.
The real cause is, I think, they do not see why I should do well in exams while they would not. Well! They might agree to this occurrence, but they are never ready to acknowledge that I know more about certain things than they do.
I realise that this on some way might show that I am more proud that I should be. It may on some ways be true but on the whole I should say it is wrong. I like free intellectual discussion on subjects. I believe we young men can accomplish many things and there is some value in discussing problems that affect the whole society.
But we would not discuss these. I know not really why. I have a vague feeling that this is because they dislike to be contradicted and strive their utmost not to give way although they might stand on “Untruth”. This might also apply to me. Secondly I think they are not of sufficient thinking standard to discuss things with me. They would never acknowledge superiority from their fellow men which I do believe I have done and do.
Tomorrow is my Chemistry Exam: I paper, Inorganic and Physical. I have read the subjects fairly thoroughly but do not seem to remember the whole lot. I pray to God that He may so guide and bless me that I write and do exactly what I deserve…
I thought I must and would and should get a I class in Chemistry Theory. I wonder sometimes if it would be possible…
No, my God, I should and I must. I want this and I think You too want it for me. Use me in such a way tomorrow my Lord that I may glorify you and give my true knowledge and form. I probably want some favour—but cannot a son ask that from his father? G.L. Bhattacharya.
Date the 22nd April
Yes: they are over! I refer to my Chemistry papers. I have done them quite well and I should get a I class in them.
There are three things I want to record:
- I have realised and it was a great joy to realise that I am here and should live only to work for God and Christ. I must do what He wants me to do and if I would not do that I should better die…
Probably it is a very simple fact but it is another thing to realise the fact.
- I want to record how must I have been helped by God in my exams. In yesterday’s Organic paper there was a problem which at first attempt I could not answer. I remembered God and Christ’s guidance. Next time I attempted I got the answer right and let me record, quite suddenly…a mere accident?
- My self-glorification..
Can’t I ever get out of this terrible sin? I think and try to impress on others that I am a great man or shall I say a very good boy. No, no. this must not be so.
My Physics Theory papers remain. I ask God to guide me in them just as he has done in my Chemistry and English; and in the past…
My life for His work… G.L. Bhattacharya. 22/4/37
22nd April ‘37
Went to college in the morning after writing the last few pages.
Satu came this evening to ask me if I would go out. I did not as I had a lot of Physics to do. He went back.
I have worked for 5 hours this evening in Physics. I have revised Heat and part of Light. Tomorrow I must finish Light and Properties of Matter. I should also do Magnetism. Day after I should do Electricity and Sound. For the next two days I must revise them again and again… I must do well in Physics Theory.
God bless the world. G.L. Bhattacharya 22.4.37
Date the 26th April ‘37
My Physics Theory papers start from tomorrow. I am not thoroughly prepared, at least I do not think I am. Tomorrow is Heat, Light & Properties of Matter.
I have just bought “Quink” for my pen which I am just now using.
May God guide me in my papers tomorrow and day after and let me have what I deserve.
G.L. Bhattacharya 26/4/37
The 2nd May 1937
Nakaka came here from Udaipur on 27th April. He has left for Nainital tonight. He has taken Robi along with him I hope he improve in his health.
My theory papers have been fairly well answered. If the standard of marking is of the same standard as in this University, I think I should get a I class in these.
Tomorrow is my Chemistry Practical “A”—Qualitative Analysis and Preparation. I got only 3/50 in test. I hope and pray that I should get through. The rest rests in the hands of God. Let me do what I can and let the rest be as God wants.
The chaps from 45 have left for Simla. I saw AB & MB. I confess I felt somewhat sorry on their going. However I do not think I was in love with her (MB). I did not dislike her though and would like to meet her and talk to her…
Let me come back to my exam topics. I must make a general plan before I start. Also, I must do the work with a scientist’s spirit of cheerfulness and patience.
May God stay with me tomorrow and day after and guide me in my work. Let me do the work for Him…That’s right, isn’t it? I need Him. G.L.Bhattacharya +
Date the 7th May 1937
Shanti and I went to college this morning and we did some practicals: Electricity and Light.
Today Anand and Iftikhar had their practicals. Iftikhar has done very well it seems. anand has faired badly in one question. Iftikhar might come 1st. Let me compare his marks with mine. It may not be of any use:
Ift. G.
English 10 marks more
Maths 120 100-> 110 (?) Chemistry
Physics 110 70 + Prac
Therefore, to beat him I must get more than 30 in Physics Prac.
My Chemistry practical has not been bad. In my 1st paper I did 4/6 radicals OK and the preparation right. On 2nd day I have done my experiments OK—that’s what I think. My marks should be:-
- English 100 lenient
- Chemistry ‘A’ & ‘B’ 80 + 30 Prac.
- Physics ‘A’ & ‘B’ 75 + Prac
Total 295 + Prac Physics
I want a 1st class and a scholarship. I hope I do not fail in it.
But am I not losing my moral and religious standards? Why shall I want things etc.—-He will give me what I need as He knows my wants before I ask Him.
Therefore my soul be quiet. Do not lose things you hold of eternal values. You will be strengthened if you are on the right track. Make no demands of life and happiness is yours.
May God bless me and guide me. G.L. Bhattacharya
Date the 23rd May 1937
I am again suffering from worries. Robin has failed in matric. Brojen gets a 2nd class. Robin fails in Science theory and in Physiology Hygiene Practical by 3 marks. He would have passed had he passed in either of the two. Poor fellow! He has however taken it very sportingly.
Jitu gets a I class in I.Sc. in Calcutta. Fatik, Monmotho Kaka’s 2nd son gets a IInd in I.A.
I, however, feel that something bad awaits me. Mr. Mukarji is said to have enquired in which subjects I had done bad. He does not say anything but Anand feels that this years result is going to be very bad. He thinks there is a possibility of my not getting a I class or standing 1st. I hope there is no chance of my failing.
I meet Dr. Laroia in the morning in College. He asks me about my doings etc. I indirectly ask him about my result. He avoids it but by his attitude I feel I have not done well.
If the standard of marking is the same as that in our terminal exams, I do assert that I should get a I class and my marks should be well above 320.
I however do feel worried. Only 4 days back I wrote to Ayodhia saying that I was an optimist. Is it not funny that directly after writing that letter where I have said that “facts, incidents and reason” are firmly behind my optimism, I am suffering from quite difficult mental worries. Oh God!
Yes! I have been tremendously lack in contact with God recently. Can I leave my worries in his hand? I must come back to Jesus Christ. “My Lord! take me in they hand.”
G.L. Bhattacharya
26th May 1937
Well, well, well!
I went to college. Brojen had been admitted on condition he must secure 160/600 in Promotion Exam, otherwise he is liable to be detained.
I heard the Principal’s Welcome Address to the new 1st years in the hall. I liked it. I came back in the morning. Played “Monopoly” in Ajitda’s place. What a tremendous difference between Ajitda and my elder brother!
Our result is to be out on the 29th. I should leave everything in God’s hands.
G.L. Bhattacharya
Congress session 18th-20th Feb at Haripur. Subhas Bose present.
Sunday the 20th February 1938
Today is my birthday. I was born this day in 1918.
I shall summarize the major events that have happened since I wrote last in these pages:-
- I obtain a 2nd class in B.Sc., 276/450. 1st class = 290/450. Shanti 277/450. another chap 279/450. 1st 291/450—Arabic Gollege. I am 1st from chemistry side.
- I join college with English in M.A.
- I suffer from terrible mental disappointment. I get Jaundice.
- Sacred thread ceremony RobiàAmu. I perform before Nakaka.
- I go to Calcutta, Baripada, Udaipur. I try for a job at Udaipur.
- Mejda with family comes here. We moved in 588, Hamilton Road on 1st Oct 1937.
- Hemlata with children and Bhagirath babu during the Durga Pujas.
- Nanida’s father-in-law also comes.
- we do some selling of ready-made clothes sent by Mejda. Rs. 55/- paid to Bowdi.
(10) Mejda & family with Robi go to Udaipur etc and back to Calcutta.
(11) Nanida leaves us on 21st Nov 1937.
(12) I visit Rangoon, Mandalay, Myngian, Pynmana, Pegu etc with S.C.M. people. Jubilee of S.C.M. at Judson College, Rangoon.
(13) Leave Rangoon 1st Jan 1938. Cal: 4th. Leave same day. Durga and Upu in Calcutta for marriage proposal of Durga.
(14) Uncle Indulal retires on 23rd Dec 1937.
(15) I turn a socialist (from Rangoon)
(16) Start the “Freethinkers” and “Rovers” work at Mori Gate Busti.
(17) Karan and Nirmal affair solved last night.
I think I have given a fairly proper survey of important incidents.
Insurance Policy for Rs. 5000/- in North British.
Dhabu gets married on 22nd Nov 1937 (Sunday) to Ganesh c. Mukarji, a Rari chap at Roorkee.
About myself, I do not really know what to write. I find the future very dark for me. I have my ideas but I feel I am very weak to carry it through. Sometimes I feel I over-estimate myself a good deal.
But what is to be done?
Why do I want to live? What line of action should I follow so long as I am alive?
Yes, I must educate my brothers and sisters. I propose to send them to school as soon as we move to New Delhi next April. What about me?
I must not marry, I feel. At least I cannot afford to have a homely, quiet life. Let my life be a dedication to others. There is a great deal to be done in the family in our country. Very frequently people laugh to hear good ideas! After all my future position counts a lot: Am I going to be an unemployed vagabond? Or a clerk getting 40->50 chips P.M.
I make this definite promise. In no case am I going (to) accept a clerical job less than Rs. 75/-. Teaching, yes, it can be lower!
Should I go back to Calcutta for my Law? No! I don’t think that it is useful.
My studies I must improve. I must reduce my college activities in number and do more work. I feel I am no good in English.
Let me end with a determination for a religious life—a Christian one. Yes! I believe I am a Xian. Christ is my Master, my God, my inspiration.
May God guide us. May I obtain an unfailing courage through Jesus Christ.
G.L. Bhattacharya
21/2/38 11.30 P.M.
Anand and I were invited to dine with raja rams. Played bridge after. They win by 2 points—Mr & Mrs Raja ram. I was very quiet there it seems. Anand tells me that he had never seen me so quiet before. Well! that is my defect. I can never be free on 1st meeting!
I become D.U. Library member. Borrowed some books. Satu goes with me to Library.
Write business letters: (1) Nandida; (2) Bengal Electric; (3) Agra Electric. GLB 21/2/38
23/2/38
Yesterday’s Account.
Shanti comes. Anand and I detain him for shopping to city. There we all have sweets. Sh dinner in college. I did not go. Felt sleepy—slept early.
Today
The Viceroy’s statement about the crisis in UP and Bihar. Concilatory. Wrote letters to: (1) Rangoon—contributions to Alo; (2) S.K. Rudra; (3) Anil de.
Went to Busti at Mori Gate. Read many magazine. Evening to Prakash’s paper on “sino Japanese” question.
Mr & Mrs Mukarji came to our house in my absence. Mr Mukarji was very good and talked in Bengali with all including mother. Robi showed all his medals to Mr Mukarji. May God bless them and their families.
I must work more. G.L. Bhattacharya
27/2/38
We (Ayodhia and I) go for a picnic with Mukarji family, Joginder Nath, Hubert Marr, two girls and 4 girls from Lady Hardinge. We had a grand time in Old Fort. Anand’s 2nd cousin Miss Chaube was I though excellent. Some other girls were nice too. Some were too delicate. Miss Chaube the one exception. G.L. Bhattacharya
28/2/38
Anand takes me to a picture in Plaza, Laurel and Hardy, “Way down West”. Bombing of Panay—a little exaggerated account.
There is one thing that I want to confide to my diary. Probably I am being sentimentsl, but the matter is prominently in my mind and as a diary ought to be a sincere document of one’s life I should mention it here. Yes1 I very much like Anand’s 2nd cousin Miss Chaube. I have not experienced ‘love’ stuff before & so can’t say if I am in love with her or not. I feel however that she is too good for me and she deserves much more finer persons in her life. I hope and pray that she may be happy.
A palmist says that I am very passionate and I shall never earn much. I shall get married in 3 years time but my wife will be serious and reserved. Gosh1 I don’t want this in my wife! He adds that I shall be moving about in different jobs and shall not be contented with one. He adds that I think much but no good in action.
May Christ be mine! GLB
Sunday 6th March 1938
Last evening ‘Nihar’ died—a young chap of 24. Eldest son. Old father >80. sisters, mother, younger brothers. Hope of family. Died a sudden death. Heart failure. “Oh Lord Thy Will Be Done.” sometimes one wonders if the Buddhist is not right! We did something—I will! god bless his soul. comfort his parents and brothers and sisters and others.
Today To Shanti’s house with Ayodhia, Amrit, Iftikhar, Cockin. Anand and brothers also present Had meals. Celebrating opening ceremony of their New House at Keeling Road. Tea in Ayodhia’s room to Mr. Cockin. Anand, Nirmal, I, Cockin and Ayodhia and Iftikhar.
Tal to Mr. Mukarji about Mr. Raju’s resignation. Awfully in debt. He had to go. No alternative for the Principal.
Dinner with Sant Ram’s. Trilok invited me. Adair, Harbans and I and a Hindu College chap from outside.
Must keep well. Sleeping up on roof. G.L. Bhattacharya
8th March 1938
My mind is in a state of turmoil it seems. I cannot concentrate to read serious stuff. This is not good.
I have to deliver a speech in the Farewell Dinner. Anand and I have to prepare ‘chanar payas’. 4½ maunds of milk ordered.
I have to arrange for the tea of the Social Service League on Thursday 10th.
I hope I speak properly.
I find myself rather small these days! I ought not to have jealousies and ambitions in me. Let me laugh and do things like a man.
I think I am becoming too irreligious these days, i.e. without really thinking of god. Can’t I be merged into Him and forget myself.
Sunday, 13th March 1938
I have in me a restlessness. I do not feel like doing serious work. I want to have an easy life! Oh, what can I do after all if I remain like this?
I want a vital support; life in me. And I believe that I can get it only through Christ. Well!!
May Christ bless us. G.L. Bhattacharya
13th March 1938 (contd)
We had the Farewell Dinner on 10th last at 730 P.M. We—Anand and I cook ‘chanar payes’—ultimately ‘saved’ by Mrs. Mukarji and her servants. I spoke for non-examinee students—quite well, I gather.
Had S.S. League -/2/- anna tea and later Annual General Meeting the same evening. (a) Plenty of tea. (b) Makhanbara, samosa, two barfi, two kesarpak. I organised it.
Quite hard work. Feeling was of complete exhaustion Smoked 3 cigerettes. GL
Friday, 18th March 1938
We have our 13 Dinner tonight at Mr. Loukes’ place. Lady Grigg, Shankar, Prof. Malkani as guests of the club. D.N.Banerji and S.B. Ghosal are two absentees. Lady Grigg gave us a bit of advice: “Don’t use emotional language,” and “rid mind of prejudice,” “mental detachment is a blessing.” Shankar, a shy little fellow, one would not think him to be so shy after seeing his cartoons. Prof. Malkani grand old bird. I was more or less silent.
We take office in the Criterion Club. I am the Vice-President. Prakash Narain is the President (for summer term)
I am getting very sceptical about myself and my future. G.L. Bhattacharya
Dated 31st March 1938
I have (been) working rather seriously since yesterday. Something is wrong with me I feel.
- I want to mix with high society; cultured men and women.
- I want recognition; I want fat salaries, big job, and attention from people.
- I want to hear from people that I am a grand sort of chap—in short I want flattery. I want to be respected like my uncles and fathers.
At the same time I sincerely hold that a life not dedicated for others is not worth living. I feel that I should have the courage to live a poor life, one of service and sacrifice and of love and I should keep my standard of values proper.
How to reconcile these two desires I sometimes wonder.
I have been given a 2nd class B.Sc. degree on 26th last. The staff gave tea to us old graduates.
I have applied for a job for a Chemical Assistant in Archaeological Deptt. Dehra Dun. Heaven knows what will happen!
Well1 I must try and get at least a 2nd in the next exams. G.L. Bhattacharya
2/4/38
My promotion exam is from 14th next. I simply must get a 2nd class i.e. above 55%. Must work hard.
Am I in love? I sometimes wish I was; it is so hot these days. Well! but with whom? I am blowed if I know!!
Let me work hard. God bless and kick me—GLB
7th December 1938
My last Founder’s Day in college as a student. I take part in almost all the events for M.A.s—Relay, Landboat, Egg & Spoon, Cycle race, Sack race etc
Dinner at 7 P.M.—all brothers servers. I kept an eye on things! Good night! A grand play by Staff, “The Crimson Cocoanut”. Must go to bed. Tomorrow morning to meet Mr. Wood at 9.
Christ bless my college and us. GLB.
31st December 1938, 9.30 P.M.
Last year I was in a train that left sometime back in Burma. Year befoe at Fatehpur Sikri. The year before that in Queen Mary’s Avenue as written in this Diary.
This year a fairly memorable one. I went up to Palampur as a teacher for about a month in April. I was in Dalhousie during the long vacation. Durga gets married in May, so does Sobha.
Uncle Bindulal is here. I bring him from Ajmer. He is getting better and I hope and pray that he is cured and saved on this occasion.
Today I meet Hansraj, see Sadhona Bose in “Abhinaya”. She is really very good. I like her acting.
I am a Christian. I am not yet baptized. Christ! How shall I solve this problem? My life and my family people of whom I am so fond of! Let God guide me.
The last day of this year 1938. I am old! Has this year been very useful to me? I wonder. I feel I am coming out not fit for anything special. I am useless. Probably I shan’t live long.
Heaven knows what I am here for. Let Him guide me. Let me be honest with God I love Him. I stand for Christ But oh! How many times do I think of Him? Let Him hold my hand.
G.L. Bhattacharya 31/XII/38.
3rd January 1939
I get my Test marks:
I – 60
II – 61
III – 34
IV – 53
V – 64—1st Krishan gopal Bed
VI – 53
Not too bad! K.G. gets 413, a good 1st. Gopal 54 in I. I must do better in Exams
I attend Kikabhai Premchand Lectuures by Dr. L.C. Jain—Protective Tariff in India—a good one.
Today is a memorable one for me Father died 4th Jan 1936 at 6.15 A.M. It is 3 years since god took him away from us. His will was done. Let it be done now. May God keep my father’s soul in peace. Also those of others. May they serve God loyally.
I must pray now for myself. G.L. Bhattacharya, about 9 P.M.
Jan 12th, 1939
I feel bad. Today we had Andrew’s trophy Trial Debate on “This house welcomes an Indian Hitler. I spoke fairly well—according to Ayodhia was the best. Bajpai thought I was excellent and he said he did not hear it even at Allahabad! Well, the Judges, Nag, Close and Adam did not think so. I was not even 3rd!—4th
I go to see ‘Carefree’. Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. Jolly good picture.
But why do I feel it so much! Why do I think that I have been wronged? Why is it that I can’t laugh at it sincerely. I am of course not as bad as I might have been otherwise. Probably Ayodhia would have felt it moe. But why should I be disappointed and let it beat me?
Laugh Guni laugh. Praise be Jesus. He has done the best for you and you need not worry.
G.L. Bhattacharya
I hear from Khuku—a good letter. She sends me one of her picures—a good one.
7th May 1939
I thought I had controlled masturbation—I did it about 20th March. Next on 15th April. Next 5th May. Again this afternoon. A wretched book with ridiculous sexual descriptions makes me lose control over myself. Oh God when shall I stop?
Cockin and I stayed with Gyan chand in his village Narwana at Patiala State for a few days. He treated us extremely well although it was not much of a holiday.
My exams finished on 21st April. I have done II, III, V papers fairly well. But I have not done at all well in my I, IV and VI papers. I hope I get a 2nd class! 55%. Really, what a change! In ISc I wanted a scholarship. I came 1st; in BSc I hoped for a I and that I would top the list. I got a IInd. And now I hope I get a 2nd. I hope I do not get a 3rd!! I expect:
II 60 – 65 (actually got 66)
III 60 – 65 + 3 (actually got 66)
V 60 – 65 + 4
I 48 – 54
IV 50 – 53
VI 45 – 55
323 à 356
No! I hope that I should be getting a narrow 2nd.
Satu spoilt his I paper. He did only 3 questions, is left 40 marks. Otherwise he, I think, should have got a 2nd. Even now he may. Ayodhia has done well on the whole. Iftikhar is bound to get a good II, if not a 1st In MA he should thus get higher marks than mine.
On 22nd we had a picnic at Satu’s place. Rather, we invited ourselves. The following were present: Didi, Sachin, Juthika, Kalyan, Robin, Ranu, Sujata, myself. the idea was to see Sujata—Satu’s girl. She is Satu’s cousin—mother’s brother’s daughter. She is shy and silly.
We went to see a picture in the evening. Ranu, Sujata and Satu go in one rupee seats—silly. Sachin gets furious. I was rather annoyed. all of us go in the -/8/- including Didi and Juthika. the picture is good one: ‘Dramatic School’. After it we don’t look at Satu & co. Apparently they feel it a bit. Sujata apologises—accept it—she is really very childish. Sachin gets very furious. I didn’t like his attitude. Not a successful day as a whole.
Ayodhia is working hard in totalling up P.U. papers. Awfully boring. I have him to come and stay with me. He was so sad.
Financial difficulties—no money. Told Mr. Mukarji. He is trying to get me one in United Christian High School. Hope it comes about.
Mr annand passed through delhi on his way to England day before. He has kept my name with Mr. Gilon at Palampur So there is a chance there—but so meagre a salary!
Had tea with Youngs on Friday at 4. I like Mrs Young. I never knew her well.
I am taking an exam on 17th July. If I get in it means getting settled in life Rs. 140à
But that is no solution to life’s problems. Mr. Walters wants to present me with a book (12 ½ s)
I hear from Mr Lovejoy & Anand.
And now Christ be with me. Le me work from tomorrow. 7/5/39 GLB
24/5/39
I stayed with Mr Loukes from 17th to 20th. I like him very much. He gave me good food. Took me to a picture on 17th night. Iget my ideas clear.
- Socialism: best expression of the Xian faith i.e. approximate more to a Xian ideal than anything else. But by no means the idea.
The human element must never be lost sight of. Even in democracy, bad as it is, we can express our disapproval of things. In socialism this must not be stopped.
- War is a ‘holy’ evil. Compromise inevitable on other issue but no compromise on the issue of war.
- If India gets violent, must disassociate from the violent part of it. But sympathize with its ideals & sacrifices involved.
- Spend reasonably but not miserly.
About my future, not very clear. May Christ guide me. G.L. Bhattacharya
29th Oct. 1939
I am a lecturer in St. Stephen’s College. I take 1st year Science in English. G.L.Bhattacharya
20th February 1940
Today is my birthday I was born in Calcutta in 1918.
I go to Wazirabad as I did in 1936 with Richardson on this day. Our hut should have begun to be constructed today. It has not.
I feel very tired at tea at Didi’s. I am in my bed now. I feel inclined to stop.
Let me look back.
1939 Febà1940 Feb
- Brojen and I get 2nd classes both in I.Sc & M.A
- Brojen admitted in Presidency College, Cal.
- A teacher in Maths & Science in my old school, New Delhi, @ Rs.60/- per month from 21 (about) August 1939.
- A Lecturer in English in St. Stephen’s College, Delhi. Take I year Sc, my own class. Lovejoy takes Arts, from 1st October 1939.
- War declared on 3rd Sept 1939.
- Go to Udaipur in X’mas.
- Attend 1st Old Boys’ Dinner on 30th dec.
- Stand 19th in the All India Assistants exam held in July 1939.
- Didi has a daughter born.
- Durga has a daughter born. Both in Lady Hardinge.
- Hemlata stays till July. Satish takes her away.
- Ramgopal comes and stays till after Puja.
- Mejda, with Jyotsna, comes during Puja. So does Brojen with Didi.
- We engage a servant.
- Mother has bad attack of asthma. Takes Tarakeswar medicine.
- Bijayabasanta Bhattacharya wants to marry his daughter to me. I refuse.
- I begin to dislike Atul.
- Open Account in Lloyd’s Bank with Rs. 40/-
- Jitu married.
G.L. Bhattacharya. 8-50 P.M.
Hoshangabad 7th Feb. 1941
I arrived here this morning after many hesitations. Met Bengali at Jhansi who got me a ticket. Rajen Chetsingh met me at station with car. Mr. Ranjit Chetsingh is at calcuta. Mrs Cheksingh is English—very nice. I feel quite at home.
This place is beautiful and it has certainly been worthwhile coming here. After lunch I go to lie down on the banks of Narmada. After tea, we go in car to tilak Ghat and see the Muharram Processions. Then I go alone for a walk and see a most gorgeous sunset—oh after how many days!
After dinner I read a passage from Gitanjali—I must buy it. Beautiful. Next Augustine and I go out for a walk in the beautiful moonlight night.
Hurricane lantern! After so many months—how delightful. I pray for the world. May Jesus be with me always and may he bless the Chetsingh family. Guni L. Bhattacharya
8/2/41
Morning—late for breakfast. Don’t apologise from Mrs. C.S. Read (C.F.) Andrews on the Inner Life—very good. Must finish it and buy other books by him. Went out of a long walk. Read Wordsworth. After lunch sleep a bit. Tea and a walk to the rocks with prehistoric drawings.
I enjoy my day. Beautiful blue sky and glorious sun, strong breeze and green fields—so peaceful.
After dinner go down to Itarsi. Meet Mr Chetsingh—so human. I introduce myself. He did not meet Loukes at Calcutta. He makes me feel at home. A Mr & Mrs. Sen on sightseeing with him in train. They stay at Itarsi for the night.
May God bless the Chetsinghs and guide me. Guni
9/2/41
After breakfast to my first Quaker public meeting in city. Pay -/8/- to hospital fund. Maximum contribution to far to a religious work. go to Parry (I.P.). Mrs. Parry introduced. A charming view of the river from their house. At Meeting meet Donald Grooms—invites me at 230. After lunch read Andrews on “Inner Life”. It thrills me as it must have others. I wish I had known him and not just pretended to have done so—as I frequently lie.
Went to Grooms. donard looks so young and unspoilt Englishman. His wife is extremely young too. Eyes seem very amused. A baby recently arrived—quiet sort of chap. Rober Paul Groom. Have tea. Ask Donald not to get swollen headed. He should turn out a good chap. (N.B. http://partapstoriesforall.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-friend-donald-groom.html )
At 5 attend a Quaker meeting here. Only 6. Silence. Mr. Chetsingh reads out 1st Psalm and explains it—good. Mrs. Chetsingh prays that we should not be wanting to be self-glorifying and seeking after popularity and that the highest aim of man is to know Him. “Walk not in the council of the ungodly”.
Go to the Library: a good collection of books and well-arranged. I should love to have a similar one on a smaller scale Met one Mr. Chatterji, a local lawyer.
Lovely moon.
May Jesus guide me. I feel so happy here. Guni.
11th Feb 1941
Yesterday too lazy and unhappy. Morning Mr. Bhagwat, big bug of Poona Adult Education, and son come. funny old man. See some men in city. Go to little village school 1 ½ mile away run by Mrs. Chetsingh etc on Wardha method. Striking simplicity. Spinning easy and very successful. What foolish theorists we all are! Drive to Jama after lunch—see beeking and papermaking. Madrasi man and wife, Kurian in charge. drop Mr. Bhagwat at Itarsi. See Friends Hospital, Nurse Training School. Meet Dr. Mathew, an Indian lady—Madrasi. Black, but frank and pleasant.
Do I really love Suprobhat or is it a passing charm?
Back tired. Came of Deck Turns. Dinner. Paul robson and a few other records, one beautiful sad music—violin. Bed.
Today after breakfast ask Mr Chetsingh out for a walk. Tell him problems of mine:-
- Religion
- Family
- Marriage
all linked up.
- Religion: it is obvious that I am at my best moments a Quaker. Let it, however, go slow and if it is real, it will remain. Jesus will show me the way. I think I should not apply for membership for a few months. Mr. Chetsingh will keep in touch with me—won’t he?
- Must not leave family. Unchristian.
- Put off the matter. Too young. Too big a decision. Too little known. Engagement period most pleasant from Mr. Chetsingh’s own account! 4 years. If real love, it will survive. “Suspense column”. Sometime one thinks one is in love—Mr Chetsingh’s two or more experiences.
So that’s that
Go for picnic tea (after sleep) at Tawii river. 8-9 mile walk and run in the shallow river. Dilewa falls & has a dip!! Back—full moon. Go out after dinner for a longish walk at 5 to 9. Back at about 10.30. So lovely.
I pray to God to make me do what He will have me do. To give me the strength for it—I am so weak.
Mr. Chetsingh: “Don’t marry as a cure for loneliness. Dogs do that.” “Double life”. Guni
14/2/41
I am leaving by 3.48 A.M. tomorrow morning. Parmeswaran will be with me till Sanchi. Yesterday “m” twice—oh! god. read “South Riding” by Holby—a huge novel; cp Tom Jones. Today feverish. Go boating out with Mrs. Parry and son of S.P. Rather hot at 4 in my Pattu coat. Very pleasant towards the evening. I am afraid I am hopeless talker—not just shy—I don’t know what to talk about.
So I am leaving Hoshangabad. Has it been worthwhile coming here? I have realized human weakness. I realize how near I am to the Quaker attitude. There are bad men—I am shy—that does not matter. I must do my duty as much as I can. But I love this place. The green countryside, the hills around, the blue sky and a strong breeze, the cattle, the shepherd with a song, all have made me supremely happy at times. I feel my smallness but the greatness of God.
I have also got to know the Chetsinghs—a happy family. Mr. Ch is somewhat like Mejda and I hope he has not been very formal to me! Responsible and has a sense of proportion—but is the “vision fading”?
Donald Groom—good but wants to show off. These chaps do become important in our land so easily!
May God be with me. May I go back to Delhi strengthened to face my duties with Him. Must Pack up! Guni
20th Feb. 1941
Birthday. No congratulations from any source! Office as usual after morning prayers and a cold bath. No Sumitra teaching. To Mukarji, Lovejoy, Nag and Mitra with Ayodhya to distribute his wedding cards.
Important items of the last year
- Office job in July 1st 1940.
- Mother operated for pre-cancer. OK.
- Toru married
- Nanida’s daughter dies and a son born.
- Grandmother to Nathdwara. Flood at Chittor: 3 days wait at station.
- Love Suprobhat
- Khuku, Satish, Suresh arrive—Khuku goes back alone.
- Ayodhya about to marry. Celebrate last supper with him as a backelor.
- Babuji practises.
- Take out a postal policy for 5000/-
3rd January 1941. 14 Todar Mal Lane, New Delhi
My father lay unconscious this day 5 years ago. I walked past 14, Queen Mary’s Avenue at a time which 5 years ago was agonisingly strange. For then death of father was something sudden and unexpected. I was hoping to go to Church—no lamp. Let me offer to God thanks for the life my father lived. May his soul rest in peace.
It is proper to make a brief survey of 5 years. It seems sometime so long but at times this day seems so recent. Let the reader go through my diary 5 years ago.
After father’s death, uncles came. Everyone wept. I did not. Probably was too old already! I was about 18. I had 5 younger brothers and 3 unmarried sisters—the boy next to me being 15 and the youngest being Rani 3 years.
There was a good deal done for a job. Nani-da was a bit overage so if they refused him, I was to be the man even for a Rs. 40/- job as Nanida said. I remember the walk with eldest uncle vividly when I told him that I had confidence enough to earn more than Rs. 40/- p.m. in future and refused to accept a job. I remember standing at the gate while Anand came and he did not know father had died. He came to see my radio. I had to warn him.
G.L. Bhattacharya
Main Hostel of the St. Stephen’s College
Room 7, Delhi